Arzu and the Queef
by Hwikek
Summary: In the distant land of planet Earth, two video game based action figures are forced to live out a life of mere inconsistent blabber until one day they encounter a threat to their very sanity, a threat so great it could only stem from the minds of a person hopped up on less sleep than the average grad student. Also, there's some funny stuff too.
1. The Birth of Chaos

"Oh hai, my name is Mastur Cheef. I jus wan all u to no that hwikek is a fucking douche. But the raisin I dun say hwicock is cause she's a girl who wines bout stupid shit all the time and acts like a pussy bitch."

"Oh dear god," sighed the Arbiter as he listened to his cheeky friend's complaints, "what's your problem today Chief?"

"Teh fax that i haz to deal wif this stupid bitch who keeps riting about fuking gay azublowme dildo. Seriously, it's worse than all ur fucking hipster games and the stupid crap you keep going on about." The Chief then began to use a sharpie that had been laying around to write the words _uz a stupid azz bitch_ on the side of the author's Nintendo DS. "See arbiter? She r like fucking thirty sum odd shit butt she still play's gay ass Nintendoes. Remember I hate nintendoes? Remember? Lol remember—"

The Arbiter then quickly cut with extra volume, "you fucking say 'lol remember Arbiter?' one more damn time and I'll beat the shit out of you."

Chief then took up a more muscular pose while facing his friend. "So wut son?" he mockingly asked. "Ur just gun get ur ass whopped by me ne weighs."

"First of all it's 'whooped'," the Arbiter corrected in a very irritated manner, "and second of all you always talk shit but whenever we fight I always kick your ass."

"Oh really? Do you see these guns?" the Chief asked his friend as he flexed his right arm. "U really think u can beatz me arbiter? U of all people should no by now that I am Mastur cheef, I kill aelins and doesn't afraid of ne thing," he ended the line with a mocking tone.

The Arbiter felt a rush of irritation and anger that caused him to challenge the Chief, "then bring it on you cretin. It'll end just like all of our little tussles, you'll be sobbing like a d-bag and have kicked me in the crotch at least once or tried to hit me with the 'rofl knife' and I'll upside your ass with the frying pan."

"LMAO gay ass arbiter," said the Chief as he condescended his pal, "this dumb bitch puts all the pans where we can't fucking reach them. Lol remember—"

"Don't even fucking say it Chief! I've had enough of that for a goddamn while."

"Your mom didnn't had a nuff of me. She was all like, 'oh more please. Don't go way, no!'" Chief cut in with a snarky tone. "Why we hav to deal with this stupid bitch ne ways? I mean look at this pixture." The Chief held up a small cartoon drawing labeled _self portrait_.

"I guess I have to agree to some extent," Arbiter said, finding himself forced to agree with the Chief. "I mean this drawing is just some anime cat eared girl, with obscenely, red hair who looks like she's doing some sort of cheerleader c with only one arm in the wrong direction."

"Yeah y teh fuck r we here with this hipster bitch?"

"Hey shut up!" violently screamed a voice sweeter than angels. "Some people are trying to sleep, why the fuck is your stereo system up so loud anyways? I can hear you playing those fucking machinima videos from wherever the fuck your apartment is in this complex! If I meet you in the hallway I'm seriously going to kick your ass till my foot gets stuck up your shitter and I have to violently rip it out, Mortal Kombat style!"

"Oh fuck," said the Arbiter, "I should have known that trying to run around while she was asleep was risky."

"Wut the fuck?" asked Chief, "it's fucking 10!"

"You better seriously hope I don't find your room and kick your ass!"

"No u."

"So before you go off hating the person whose apartment we're in," the Arbiter interrupted, "what do you think she's going to do if she gets up and comes in here?"

"First she's a gonna cum on my shaft," the Chief rudely quipped, "and second she'll probably think were hallucinations from weed."

"She doesn't smoke weed," the Arbiter interjected.

"Then she's drunk."

"She doesn't drink either."

"Wat the fuck?" asked Chief, "does this fucking weaboo haz any life at all?"

"Don't you remember that we couldn't find any booze the first night we were here?"

"Fuck!" the Chief cried in desperation, "that's it let's go back to that other loser, Jon's, place. At least that suck ass haz beer and shit unlike this fucking retarded poser."

"We can't go back, do you have any idea where we are?"

"Ya, smart gai, we're in America."

"Jon's in Canada."

"What the fuck?" asked Chief, "so we just haz to go a little further than across the street. Big fucking deal? I walked all the goddamn way to Jon's gay apartment from California once. Rememb—"

"The point is that we're stuck here since the door is locked, and neither of us can unlock the door because we're action figures." The Arbiter took a moment to sigh. "We'll be here for a bit of time."

"Well sence we're stuck wat u think of hwikek?" asked Chief.

"She's okay."

"Do u think a her an jerk?"

"What the fuck?" the Arbiter asked in outrage, "no!"

"Lol I do all the time," said Chief, "she's hot and got's nice boobs and everything. But why the fuck is she into all this gay anime shit, like some damn portlandite?"

"First off," the Arbiter said, beginning his attempt to correct Chief's stupidity, "that's so disgusting, second; not everyone from Portland is a hipster—"

"But then why else r there so many?" asked Chief, "that place must be where shit beer companies go to test their products. They must be all like, 'hey, I got's free beer,' to some stupid twat who's is wearing jeans and ballcaks."

"It's ball caps."

"Nuh uh cause they haz dildos on the top."

"Oh gross," groaned the Arbiter as Chief laughed hard in the background. "Lastly I don't think she's really that into anime. I mean she only watches it sometimes and only bought part of one series when it was on sale."

"Then why the fuck else would she be writing bout fucking boring ass assumangone dohoes?" asked Chief. "Tell me nao arbiter, all she does is rite bout how the characters get in fucking retarded straight stuff. Evrywun noes that u only rite azu fanfic just so you can talk bouts how kagura nd sakaki rub there titties to together to get off. Then I adds in myself to teach them less on that theyz never gun fur get. Lol, jus like that hentai I download onto jon's labtop."

"Oh my fucking god," said the Arbiter, "don't talk about this anymore. I've seriously gotten to the point where I'm not sure whether now is a good time to kill you or if I should just wait and hope that you become less irresponsible in time. Jesus Christ you're a douche."

"Oh yeah? I'd get all there douches no wat i mean?"

"Fuck! I can't believe I just walked right into that!"

"LMAO n00b," said Chief, "now bend over and take it!"

"Fuck off, I'm starting to get really fucking pissed."

"Lol ur mom got me off for I pissed in her mouth!"

The Arbiter then expelled an angry scream as the Chief ran away flailing his arms in the air while laughing hysterically at the top of his lungs.

At the other end of the apartment, Hwikek groaned into her pillow as the noise continued to assault her ears.

"I don't know who keeps playing Digital Ph33r videos at setting 11," Hwikek angrily mumbled into her pillow, "but one of these days he's going to get kicked so hard in the groin that one of his testicles disappears!"


	2. The Start of a New World

The two action figures sat on one end of the coffee table in Hwikek's living room. They were in a deep discussion about what course of action they should take next. Unfortunately they were unable to come to a satisfactory conclusion because they couldn't truly do anything but argue with each other.

"k so wat we gon do now?" the Chief asked the Arbiter.

"I don't know," the Arbiter told his rude friend, "perhaps we should find something to entertain ourselves while we decide on what to do after she wakes up in however many hours it is before she gets out of bed."

"So y dun jus play Halo?"

"What a brilliant observation, Chief," the Arbiter sarcastically responded, "I don't think I ever thought of playing videogames on her 360. Oh wait, what if she wakes up from the loud noise? You've never understood that if you play 360 at 11 at night it will wake someone up. What do you think she'll do if she comes in here and sees us playing videogames?"

"She gun think we r mutent cockroachez and try squash us with her dick."

"You mean 'mutant' not some type of purring, cat based, tent. She's also a girl, so she wouldn't even have a penis."

"You dun no that lol," said Chief, "ever sees her naked?" The Master Chief paused in case his friend wanted to answer. "Didn think so. Neither did me. She always has clothes on when she cum out the showerz. It happen all teh time and it made me very :( so I quit."

"I can't believe that I live with someone as perverted as you, Chief."

"U no how much i caer arbutter?" asked the Chief, "I dun give a shit. You can go fuck a duck. Or smoke your boyfriend's pole. Or take it up the ass. I don't care, I never listen to you ne ways."

"Listen Chief," said the Arbiter in an attempt to reason with him, "there must be something else you can do to amuse yourself other than possibly getting us into a whole lot of trouble." The Chief took a moment to look around before he walked over to the Nintendo DS that he'd defiled earlier that evening. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Go suck it," Chief replied, "it has pokeymanz blak and wyte on it. Those r teh bezt aributter. Remember bidoofs was my favorite pokeymanz? Well nao it r bravationary cuz it look bad ass."

"I don't even know what Black and White are about other than the fact that they're probably about collecting badges and battling the elite four," the Arbiter replied. "Or at least that's my guess since that was what the last four sets of games were about, just like Mario titles, never ceases to amaze me when a series has almost no shift in it's story telling over the life of the franchise."

"Ur mom never amazes me anymores in bed. I've bin at her 2 lawng and she got so loose. It's like a fucking wearhouse and a mouse." The Arbiter ignored the Chief's rude comment and watched his friend turn on the DS. "Wat the fuck she r a gurl?"

"It makes sense Chief, if you stop and think about it."

"Lol whatever arbiter," said Chief, "I jus like the fax that when she send out pokeymanz she bend over and show off sum skin. Ossim, ossim possim."

"Wait, she does what?"

"Ya see?" said the Chief as he presented the screen at a better viewing angle for his friend.

"There's something just wrong about that," said Arbiter, "I mean this game is for children after all."

"So ur saying that kids nevar have clothing fly up?" asked Chief, "dun lye 2 urself. U know u like it."

"A cretin like you might like it, but I certainly don't," the Arbiter replied. He then noticed the Chief hammering on the A button. "It looks like you're having a hard time there."

"Ya no shit. Y can'tz I beat this stupid pokeymanz, it's the last one for this trainer 2!"

The Arbiter took a look at the screen. "It says that Seismitoad isn't effected by that attack, try another one."

"Fucking Zebstrika only noes eelktrick type moves," the Chief angrily replied.

"Then switch to another Pokémon you idiot."

"I can't, all the others are dead, they were dead 4 I even started this battle!" The Chief angrily pounded controls. "Cum on you bitch!" he yelled at the toy, "fucking kill that stupid frog already. Goddamnit, go to hell!" The Chief then turned off the game. "Imma start a new profile! This one will have Oshawott and not gay Emboar."

"Chief, even though by now I know you have no concerns about other people's belongings, you still shouldn't alter her game."

"Yah watevar," said Chief, "Imma review this gaem at the same time k?"

"Oh what a joy this is going to be," the Arbiter sarcastically remarked.

"O so ur sooooo gud at reviews huh? Is that y gayass oak arena of time is ur favorite fucking game, fagget? Dun answer that I already no teh truths, I no them arbiter, lol. U always complain about how I deliver justice 2 lameass games arbiter. No moar interruptions, k? Else imma beat ur ass.

Now let me jus start off by saying that the game starts off with the shittiest cutscenes since the last pokeymanz, paltnumb. Very srs face here u gaiz, k? The games start off wiff this dumb lady who has a gay minoccino introducing u 2 ur best frenz. I dun no bout u but I can reckognize mai best frends an this ugly blonde bitch and the weird cowlick fagget wood nevar ever neverz makes my friendlist. Then the cutscne gets wurse. I mean how come nintendoes doesn't even make that annoying professor walk in a non slanted way to the playerz house? It's like there some of the shitiest develpourers evar. Praise MS.

Now once you get past the retarded cutsences u c the mainwurld enviroment, which is only about have as bad as minecraft, which mean it r still shit. Everything r a square or triangle or tree, only thing that has unique shape are people, if you can even call them unique. Next u get ur starter pokeyman but they all look retarded. Seriously. One looks like a fucking see other while another is a lizard with a leaf for a tale. R u srs nintendoes? Fucking lizerd with weird tale? Bet u never dun that before.

Then that dumb blonde bitch destroyz ur room with her pokeyman. WTF? I thought she were ur best friend. N e ways then you go get pokeydex but before you can has 1337 pokeymanz u have to see the gaiest pokeymanz ever. One becomes a big ugly dog that has a moosetache that turns it in2 a total hipster douche. The other turns into a weird mix between a ground hog an a meercat. Anuther problem is that most pokeymanz now need infinity fucking levels to evolve. Some take till levul 29 to haz first evuhlooshun. Rly? I'm not fucking with u aether gaiz. I speaks truth when I saez this.

1 thing u notice is that even though uze older u dun gets car. You sees cars go by but u cant haz one. I think if they r add car then this game would be cool. U could jus run over pokeymanz and trainers and finish teh stupid game so much fasters an not have to fucking walk everywhere like someone whos impoundedz or something.

Then u meet this queer and a bunch of dousches called team plasms who wan free pokeymanz. There all retarded fucks but the one guy named N is the biggest fagget of the lot. He think he cun talk to pokeymanz and the only pokeymanz he ever battles with suck until the end of the game wen there mildly annonying.

Biggest problem with this game besides the shitty graphics are the fact that half the pokeymanz look gay or retarded. Seriously. Onez a fucking trashbag and another is another fucking turtel. Rly? Rly nintendoes? Another fucking turtle? I dun think that haz even bin pokeymanz before.

So in concooshuns this gaem has shitty graphics, retarded looking pokeymanz and is almost ass bad as Zelda but still are more enjoyable than oak arenas of time. The only good thing bout this gaem is that u can hax it easy with gameshark so you can catch all the pokeymanz fast and skip the gay ass parts of the game. Just catch six arceus and fucking kill all the trainers, lol."

"Wow," said the Arbiter, "that was probably the longest, and worst, review you've ever given for any kind of video game. I think I could have pounded my hand with a hammer coated with fire ants and not have swore as much as you did during your review. While Team Plasma certainly isn't the coolest group of villains and Pokémon like Garbodor aren't very appealing to look at, I don't think the games were that bad but I do feel like there are just too many Pokémon nowadays."

Chief then threw the DS against the nearest wall. "So wat we gun do now?" he asked the Arbiter, "u wan play Reach?"

"You fucking ignoramus, what did we just get done discussing a minute ago?"

"Ur mom and I just did it a minute ago."

"Your penis isn't even big enough to reach up, let alone get past your own things."

"Fuck u," the Chief angrily replied, "then let's use her computer for sexai pr0nz, lol."

"What the fuck, Chief? Why is it that the only thing you ever want to use the internet for is to watch pornography?"

"Cuz like I already told u arbiter, the internet is for vagina. Remember when I told you that? Remember? Lol—"

"I honestly don't give a fuck about this anymore," the Arbiter said realizing the futility in any further arguments with his friend that evening. "I'm going to bed."

"k then imma play reach when im dun looking at all the hentai on her harddrive lol."

"What?" the Arbiter asked, turning around on his way down the hallway.

"Yea there r like two terabites of hentai on this computer. Cum c it k? That way I only has to clean off the desk once lol." The Chief then started a video. "o yea that's so hawt. Oh man!"

"Holy fuck," said the Arbiter, "turn that shit off right now!" He tried his best to block his eyes with his plastic hands as he listened to Chief. "Jesus, can you at least shut up as you watch that filth?"

"Uh no arbiter, I cannot. U see I r in teh middle of something rite nao arbiter. Don't interrupt me unless u wanna see my ninjitsu. U do not wanna see my fucking ninjitsu, for the sake of mankind."

"Shut up. I don't even care at this point. I'm just going to make sure you don't play on the Xbox or else we'll get our asses killed by Hwikek. I can just see it now," the Arbiter said to Chief, "she'll probably crush us with a baseball bat or something, maybe even stick us into the oven to incinerate us."

"I'll stick my baseball bat in her oven, lol."

The Arbiter sighed in despair. Then he decided to ask his friend a question. "So did you download all that hentai onto her computer?"

"No. It was too big a file size."

"Wow," said the Arbiter in genuine disbelief, "you were able to tell that the files were too large to fit onto her hard drive. This is a shock."

"Yeah but I used 69 flash drives to hold all the sexai pr0nz, cept I had to use a big 5T external instead. But I still rote 69 on it lol, k? wanna see the silver sharpie of saexy?"

"No, fuck off. All I want to do right now is make sure you don't play on the xbox. But I'm surprised she didn't already take this off of her computer. I'd certainly take it off if it were my computer but I guess everyone has the right to—"

"Actaually she doesn't know about it lol. Dun tellz k? I hide this thing every night lol." The Master Chief then began to click on different icons before he fell off the desk, startled out of his wits. "Fuck!"

"What is it Chief?" The Arbiter looked at the Chief as he just laid on the floor, not even a hint of movement in his frame. "Come on tell me." The Chief seemed to be frozen on his back, not making any noise. The Arbiter sighed before he jumped up onto the counter and saw a small cube shaped object on the desktop. "Oh, so that's it. I can't believe you sometimes, well, all the time to be honest." The thing that had caused Chief to fall off the desk, frozen in place was in the fact that Minecraft was on the desktop of Hwikek's computer. The Arbiter then double clicked on the icon to start up the game. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that Chief had revived himself.

"Holy shit," the Chief angrily replied as he got off of the ground. "I can't believe that anywun plays a game with this shitty graffix. I dun understand it arbiter."

"I wouldn't expect you to, Chief. Such a feat would take someone who can understand that a video game doesn't need to have the best graphics or fighting space aliens to be fun to play. I mean look at Ocarina—"

"Yeah gay oak arena," said Chief, "y u play so many gay hipster gaems fagget?"

"Shut up," said the Arbiter, "you don't even admit that you like other games besides Halo."

"O really?" the Chief asked, "prove it then smart gai!"

"CoD."

"lol that game is shit arbutter, u sayin I likez shitty gamez aribitter?"

"Then why did you play the Modern Warfare series so much and want to play it when you couldn't find Hwikek's copy of Reach?" the Arbiter asked.

"lol COD sounds lik cock and im not gay arbiter so I dun like that shitty game with its shitty graffics."

"Yes you are."

"No!" the Chief shouted, "shut up! I'm not gay, im stait. I less than three titties," he responded.

"Whatever," said the Arbiter, "but Minecraft is a lot of fun to play. It's a true adventure game that requires creativity and a player to be creative to get through to the end, filled with plenty of exploring to boot."

"I stik mai foot up its ass an it cries for more and bends over, ROFL!"

"And how does that statement not prove that you're gay?" the Arbiter asked Chief.

"No u," the Chief replied, "im not gay. It dusen't even have enregi sowrds."

The Arbiter took a moment to check one of the chests in Hwikek's house. "Actually it does," he said, "just look."

"WTF?" The Chief then noticed the green colored sword in Hwikek's storage. "OMG it r a life saver like oobi wan ken00bi oar luke skywatcher. I wan play now." He then pushed the Arbiter out of the way to try the game. "How I use guns?" he asked.

"There aren't any guns in this game."

"Sad face," the Chief said in despair, "what about roket lawn chair?"

"There's a bow and TNT," the Arbiter said, "but I didn't see any TNT in the chest or the inventory and there isn't any stored gunpowder to make some. I did see a number of arrows in the inventory though. So you should be able to make up for your shitty aiming with over a hundred or so arrows to shoot at whatever you come across in this game. Plus the diamond armor should save you from being annihilated by the first enemy you run into," he concluded.

"k nao where r bad gaiz? How I make bombs?"

"Enemies come out at night."

"fuk im dun with this stuped gaem."

"You didn't even play for a whole minute, this just like what happened with Skyward Sword," the Arbiter scorned. "How will you ever know whether a game is any good or not if you don't even take the time to fully wring it out?"

"look at me I'm arbiter I no werds werds werds. U suck. I dun even wanna talk t more cuz u play gay hipster games and think your _so_ cool. U fag."

"At least I don't say stupid things like 'intelejelense' or 'retart' and can construct a proper sentence. All you ever do is complain about games not being as good at Halo even though it's just because you suck at every game ever created and for some reason love Halo even though you're terrible at it," the Arbiter retorted. "You can't even hit something with the sniper in a three minute period."

"Fuck u im grate at halo! I don't even haz to spam grenaids n e more to kill gaiz. Now I use soared to kill cuz it requires skill."

"No it doesn't, you get sword blocked and you die repeatedly," the Arbiter replied in anger. "All you ever do is try to anger me or someone else on this earth. Why don't you just grow up a little?"

"I grow in ur mom."

"You should really try to come up with a better come back, Chief."

"Ur momz filled with mai cum."

"No she isn't because you're always dry."

"Fuck!" the Chief cried in despair.


	3. Two New Faces

"U no wat I think we r should do right?" the Chief asked the Arbiter.

"No Chief," the Arbiter replied, "what's on your mind?"

"we cut off hur ears so we can playz halo," the Chief told the Arbiter.

The Arbiter shook his head from side to side in agony. He then responded in a voice filled with scorn and the hopes of educating his friend, "we can't do that. That isn't even funny. You can wait to play Reach until she goes to work tomorrow morning."

"But it r Sunday, arbiter, sundae! I can'tz go that long without haloz. I cannot. We have to do somethings," the Chief replied before turning away from his friend.

"Oh?" the Arbiter said, to humor his friend, "like what?"

The Master Chief turned around to face his friend. He looked intensely at his friend's face before saying, "u shall c, arbiter. U shall c."

In the darkness of the unlit hallway the Arbiter and the Master Chief stood, ready to put the plan into action. The two of them stood outside of Hwikek's bedroom. Master Chief held a pair of earmuffs in his hands while the Arbiter seemed remarkably calm as the plan was went over for a final time.

"u ready arbiter? K let's put this shit on her so we can play haloz."

"I'm surprised that you were able to come up with a plan this well thought out Chief," the Arbiter told his friend. "I never expected you to try using a pair of earmuffs that you found in one of her closets to try and keep her from hearing you playing the Xbox."

"I no," Chief replied, "the plan, itz so good!"

"You know that you can just hit the mute button on the TV, right? You don't have to go through anything this complex just because you want to spend the rest of today playing Reach."

"Arbiter," the Chief said in pity, "only fagz pleh without sound. How r I gun here those assholes cry 4 murcy from meh? I need teh sound. I dun wan pleh witout soundz arbiter, I must haz sound."

"Chief," the Arbiter said, "besides the blatant offensiveness of what you just said, if you'd taken more time to assess the situation you'd have noticed she's already wearing earplugs."

"H00ray," said Master Chief, "nao I cun pleh halos. I needs me some reach. Then imma go online and post pix of me being awesum. Then imma watch sum mlp an search fur teh sex balloonz. Lol."

"Goddammit, Chief, enough," the Arbiter snapped. "Why can't you understand that if you start playing games on the Xbox you'll wake her up and she'll kill us? Why are you so stupid?"

"Butt arbutter," said the Chief in disbelief, "shez sleepin, hmm? Wiff earplugs. She dusnt gun wake ups if I plehs reach. Shell still be sleepinz and I'll be plaiying haloz. U no I can't go 2 lonG witout haloz arbiter. No y? cuz else I'd kick ur ass. Lolololol."

"Chief," the Arbiter replied, "she might wake up. Don't you think you can wait until she leaves for work or something?"

"No."

Then the Arbiter told his friend in anger, "You're an idiot!"

"No u."

"You can't go play Xbox while she's here you moron!" the Arbiter yelled at the Chief. "You'll get us into trouble!"

"Fuck u im foing," the Chief replied without any hesitation. "then imma go in ur mom, ROFL!" With that the Master Chief walked off towards the living room. The Arbiter quickly followed after him in the hopes of stopping his foolish plan.

Before the Chief had managed to step foot into the living the room the Arbiter said, "come on, Chief. Why don't we try to entertain ourselves with something else?" asked the Arbiter. "Maybe we can look around in the closets and find something to do."

"Ok, but only this 1 time tho. LOL I can just imagine jon finding greg and squiashing his ugly ass."

"Whatever," said the Arbiter, "let's just take a look around and you can play games tomorrow. I mean you played Xbox until she came home today, that was like twelve hours. You should be fine for the next few hours until she goes to work." The Arbiter then began walking down the hallway, followed by Chief. The Arbiter walked down the hallway until he stumbled upon a door that the two of them hadn't opened in the few days that they'd been "trapped" in Hwikek's house. "Guess we might as well open this up."

"This is boring," said Chief, "why teh fuck r we d0ing this agen?"

"Shut up," the Arbiter told Chief, "you've been complaining since she came home."

"Goddammit, I hate Hwikek she's such a fuking lozer. Y dusnt she just stay teh fukc away so I can play haloz. U think any of the shit she rites is n e good?" Chief asked the Arbiter.

"I'm sort of indifferent to what she's written," the Arbiter began. "I mean I appreciate the fact that she went through all the effort of coming up with those stories and posting them online where just about any asshole can show up and try to rip them to pieces. But I can't say I find any of the stories to be that amusing or entertaining and they largely seem to be some sort of half hearted effort on her part to just post things on the Internet. I mean there's like five or six she made that don't serve any real purpose other than to spam her name on the most recent updates. Plus I don't even know anything about the series she's written about so I have no real interest in the stories to begin with. Some of her posts are funny but the rest aren't that interesting."

"wat n butthole," said Chief, "we should kick her ass, ROFL!"

"That didn't even make any sense you tool."

"No u," the Chief snapped. "So r u gunna open the door fagget? K then I'll open it. K plex." The Chief then opened up the closet. "fuking doark nd boring in there. I'm gone play halo nao?"

"Was that a question?"

"Yes?"

"Never mind," said the Arbiter, "but what's with that box in the corner? It's moving a little," the Arbiter said, a small amount of concern in his voice.

"It must be gosts. Fuking loosers," the Chief answered. "Y dun we just go pleh some haloz and forget about that stuipid ass box n e ways?" the Chief asked his friend the Arbiter.

"I think we should check it out first," said the Arbiter, "I mean it sort of creeps me out."

"If it sorta creeps u ouat y u wanna opin it then?" the Chief asked. He stared at his friend for a second. "Oh wait u want my 2 open it? Hellz 2 the no bithc. I dun want ghsts to hunt my ass."

"Your poor grammar aside, just open the goddamn box Chief," the Arbiter replied. "Who knows? Maybe there's something interesting inside," the Arbiter added.

"I dun want 2 openn teh box arbutter, k?" asked Chief, "its ahll scury and shit."

"Goddamit!" a muffled voice from out of the box yelled, "open this thing up already!"

"Holy shit," said the Arbiter as he and the Chief jumped backwards and hit the floor. "Maybe we should just leave it in there, it says _take to Goodwill_ on it after all."

"Oh my god, no! Please don't do that, okay?" the voice inside the box cried out. "It's dark in here and I hate thrift stores."

"No way," said Chief, "ur a gost. I h8 u, fucking gh0st. go way."

"Oh come on," said the voice in the box, "I'm not a ghost, those things aren't even real. Open the goddamn box and get me out of here already! I've been in this thing for too damn long. Also I have a friend in here and we're in an awkward position right now."

"ROFL!"

"Shut up," said the box, "you're stupid."

"K then im not goona open theh box, lololololol!" The Chief's voice then started to trail away as he ran off towards the living room to play Halo: Reach.

The Arbiter sighed as he dragged the box out of the closet from beneath a small metal safe. Once it was past the closet's door the top of the box sprung open. "Oh thank god," said a small brown haired toy as she poked her head out from inside the box. Then the toy looked down at the Arbiter. "What the hell are you?"

"I'm the Arbiter."

"What does that mean?" she asked him. "Well whatever, thanks for letting me and my friend… where did she go?" the toy asked. She then looked around for a moment before she said, "Ah, there you are! Why are you buried face down in that…." The Arbiter could hear some muffled sobs before another toy poked her head out from the box. "She's had a rough three or four years," the toy told the Arbiter, "I mean her head's been shoved up my skirt since we were thrown in here."

The two toys then got out of the box and jumped down to the ground. Breathing a sigh of relief the shorter brown haired toy said to the Arbiter, "So hey. What's up with you, grey, monster thing?"

"I'm trying to keep my roommate from waking Hwikek up and getting the two of us demolished," the Arbiter replied.

"Man I hate her," said the brown haired toy, "and I'm sure my pal here does too, isn't that right?" she asked. When her friend shook her head she asked, "What the hell, are you stupid or something? She threw us in a box because someone gave us to her and she didn't want us in the first place!" the shorter brown haired toy yelled. "I mean seriously she's a bitch," the toy concluded.

"Well now that we have that out of the way," said the Arbiter, "why don't you introduce yourselves to my roommate and I in the living room."

"Yeah whatever," said the shorter toy. The taller one remained silent. The three of them walked out into the living room where they saw Master Chief trying to turn on the television.

"fuking peece of shit go to hell!1" the Chief swore in anger. "Ahh!" he cried, "I h8 this piece of shit."

"Why hello, Chief," said the Arbiter as he got up on the couch, "I'd like you to meet our new roommates."

The Chief looked around and saw the two toys standing near the base of the couch. "Wat the fuck?" the Chief cried out, "itz Tomo and Sakaki from Azublowme Dildo? Lolololol1!1 That's retarded." The Chief then turned towards the Arbiter. "Does u tink they wan pleh sexbox?"

"I really hope you mean Xbox," the Arbiter replied, "and I don't know. Why don't you ask them?"

"k u fuking losers," the Chief said to the two Azumanga characters, "u wan pleh xbox, hmm? No, k then its mine lololololol!" He then continued to hit the remote in anger. "goddammit y dun u werk?"

"Listen you asshole," said Tomo, "I've been watching my language, and all that shit, but you're such a dick that I'm past that. If you took even two seconds to think about what you're doing you'd just walk over to the TV and press the on button you fuckin' idiot!"

It was then that the Arbiter realized that he might have to deal with a female version of Master Chief. He sighed in disbelief as Tomo and Chief then began to argue with each other at the top of their lungs. The Arbiter still wasn't sure what the girls' names were because Chief hadn't bothered to tell him which one was Tomo and which one was Sakaki. He figured that it didn't really matter though because he was fairly certain that he'd learn soon enough.

"Fuck u tomo," said Chief, "imma gun go g3t new batteri3s. wat u sey to that, smart gai?"

"You're a fucking idiot!" Tomo snapped. "I'm not even a guy. You're such a douche you tool!"

"Oh god," said the Arbiter to himself, "I don't want to even think about what's going to happen next." He then walked off towards the kitchen to get out of the room when he noticed Sakaki out of the corner of his eye. "Hello," he replied, "didn't want to stay in there either?" He got no response from her. After a few more seconds of silence he then said, "so does your friend always act like this?" Sakaki was still silent. "Um, okay." The Arbiter then turned back towards the kitchen before he heard a loud crash in the living room. He then ran back into the room where he saw Chief on the floor.

"Ow, crying face, boo hoo, boo hoo hoo!"

"Hahaha," Tomo laughed, "you fell off the couch like an idiot you stupid fuck."

"ur died," the Chief yelled, "ur so died! I'll kick ur ass, omg ur died!"

"Fuck you!"

"Jesus," the Arbiter said to himself, "I don't know how long I'll be able to handle this. Come on Chief, why don't you just get off the floor and turn on the TV so that you can play Reach or something? I'm feeling tired and I want to go to sleep already."

"Fuk u arbiter," said the Chief, "I don't give a shit what u think sun. I'm gonna go get the batteries an pleh halos. I dun wanna walk all the wey up 2 t3h tv, too far dun wantto."

"Okay, fine," the Arbiter replied, "just go do that, I'm going to sleep now. And don't wake me up for any stupid reason, okay?" the Arbiter asked. "Now I'm going to bed."

"fINE," Chief said, "asshole. I wasn't even gon let u pleh n e ways."

"But I was gonna play on the PS2!" Tomo yelled. "You're not going to play first!"

"Fuk u."

"No you!"

"No u."

"No you!"

"No u."

"No you!"

"No u."

"Ahhg!" the Arbiter screamed as he heard this argument take place, "this is going to be the start of a bad relationship, I can tell."


	4. Sudden Discovery

The Arbiter walked into Hwikek's living room one sour, rainy morning to see Master Chief sitting in front of the TV swearing profusely as he was being horribly crushed as he played Halo: Reach. After his customary headshake, the Arbiter took a moment to ask his angry friend what was troubling him that fine day. The response from the irritated, and irritable Master Chief was less than heartwarming.

"wat up fuck face?" Chief asked the Arbiter. "I've ben playing this gaem fur 3 ours an I cahnt c y tehse assholez keyp killing me. Muthr fkers. I jus wan tea bag all theez liltte bitchez and fuck thur shit up but they keep killlings me wiff grenaides and stabbing me and standbying and being complete aholes."

The Chief then took a moment to look back at his screen before he went on and the Arbiter took this opportunity to interrupt his train of thought. "The last time I checked your K/D was around -0.93 so I fail to see how the only deaths you have are solely related to cheap tactics from the enemy. Maybe you can take a moment to understand that your own shitty aiming and lack of common sense or any real skill are what cause you to endlessly die and have the lowest ranking of any player in the entire online community. I sometimes have to wonder what makes you think you're so great at Halo when everything about the entire game should be able to tell you that you're completely hopeless and outmatched."

"Fuck u im the best bcuz I r mastur cheef an I killd all teh aelinz and saved the entire fucking planet from fucking exstinkshun. I don't tink its to much to ask people not to fuking snipe me frum across the map."

"Maybe you shouldn't have joined a game on a map that was named _Snip3r Spr3e_ that your gong show friend list sent you," the Arbiter sarcastically remarked in the hopes of dealing with his friend's extreme stupidity.

"but I cun shoot I jus don't want to. Besides these fukers are hard to hit cause they run and use bubble shields and shit. Fauking pansy asses."

"Don't you think you've had enough time on the Xbox today?" asked the Arbiter. "I'd really like to try out some more Mass Effect 3. I want to see how the story ends and if it really lives up to this incredibly negative miasma that's been surrounding it. I mean yeah I did play through twice before but I just love that series."

"I feel that you should go eat a cock," said Master Chief. "I've had mai fill of shitheadz killing me n reach. But I srsly dun want to have to see you plyaing that retardded shit ne more."

"Come on Chief, you've been at this since I went to sleep at eleven last night, that's almost twelve hours without sleep. You gotta take some time to sleep one of these days or you'll have some sort on aneurism and you'll never be able to play Halo ever again."

"suk my ass ur not my mom," the Chief replied, "I don't hav to sleep im not tie urd ne ways." The Master Chief then got up from the couch and walked over to the computer. "Imma go on teh internets and watch some youtube. Do u wanna get ur ass over here already?"

"I'd rather play some games instead," the Arbiter replied, tired of listening to his vulgar friend.

"Wat like ur hipster lion king or megaman or sonic baby shit? I dun think u can do that with out those fuking lameass consoles round. To bad this weaboo only has ps2 an 360. Not even a Ps3 fur u to pleh."

"I heard her say that she's going to get the PS4, near its release, if it ever comes out," the Arbiter informed Chief.

"I wonder if she believes in all that 2012 bullshit?" asked Master Chief. "You know that Mayan calendar crap thatz got peepull all shitfacced."

"I don't think so," said the Arbiter. "I mean she's booked events in 2013 that she plans to attend, or so I'd assume. Also those books she has on Mesoamerican culture seem to be very critical of this doomsday notion because the facts about Mayan civilization that are placed in them contradicts the commonly held belief that the Mayan calendar actually ends that day, or at any time. But she mostly seems to read about the Aztecs and some other group."

"k watevar nao I r bout to watch my little pony. Don't let those lesboners c or imma kill u k? k awesome lolololol."

"Why did you just call them 'lesboners'?" the Arbiter asked his friend.

"Cuz if there are lesbians going at it I gets a big boner an has to shoot all over teh monitor cuz its so hawt. Roflmao!"

"Why do you think they're lesbians?" the Arbiter asked.

"wat the fuk? Do u no ne thing about the show or teh comic bookz?" Chief asked in disbelief.

"I saw some but never anything that made me think they were homosexuals."

"Oh mai god, ur kidding me right bro? say it aint so bro. I dun wan call u a dipshit but just look at the fanbase and all teh evidence."

"I've seen what the fans came up with for the show," said the Arbiter, "but I just don't see how all of them could be lesbians, it just defies rational thought. I mean the estimates for homosexuals in the human population is a number ranging from something between 9-17% but from what I've heard it's closest to 11%. That means that only a small percentage of the people on earth could potentially be lesbians. Having a group of around 10 of them in the same classroom and also have them all become romantically involved with each other just flies in the face of science and general human emotions. It would be more likely that fewer than one hundred people are homosexuals in the entire school, of which nowhere near 100% would be lesbians. Then there's the possibility that even if they were lesbians they wouldn't be attracted to each other in a sexual manner and instead would simply associate with each other in order to just have friends who they can hangout with and enjoy spending time together."

"holy shit u just went on like a fucking talking spree that was so long I almost killed maislef just so I might be spared the ah gun E of having to hear ur drival." The Chief saw the Arbiter sigh in despair. He then decided to ask his friend a question. "Hey wich pony is ur favorite?"

"I dunno," said the Arbiter, "I mean I've watched every episode with you but I'm just not sure which character I enjoy the most."

"I like rainbow dash the most cuz shes so fuking funny."

"I guess it makes sense that you'd like the one who tries to make herself seem like such a big shot," the Arbiter replied.

"o yea? Then which ones do u like smartgai?"

"I kind of like Twilight Sparkle."

"lol wut the fuk? Shes so boring an is a fuking nerd and hipster. She acts like she know evr thing and that no 1 elze no jack shit and r stupid dickhead queers b4 sends them into werd comas. Roflmao nao I think i see y u think she r good character lol."

"She has a more complex character that has changed significantly throughout the course of the series from an unsociable individual who had no interest in making friends and obsessed solely over studying, books, and trying to impress her mentor to someone who cares deeply about what happens to people around her. Though this has taken quite a bit of time and she still maintains a number of her more neurotic qualities, which are often used as jokes or serious plot points for the episodes. She's also much more open to discovery and trying to overcome prejudices that have been previously held and can sometimes use her skepticism to help herself and her friends. She's also a fairly strong willed character and rarely seems to listen to someone telling her she can't do something or that there's nothing to be done about some event of situation. She has been an important leader and has served a very prominent and influential role throughout the course of the series that has helped to keep it fresh and not let it turn into some mindless and repetitive cookie cutter episode cramming series."

"Oh mai god," said Master Chief, "it's like every time I let u start talking u just trai and make mai ears fall off from having to listen to ur boring ass rants that take like a goddamned hour to end." He shook his head from side to side while clasping it with his hands in agony.

Before the Arbiter could begin to argue with Master Chief he was interrupted by Tomo's sudden appearance.

"I kinda like that pink one that gets all hyper and stuff," Tomo said to the two of them. "And that blue one sort of reminds me of someone I know. The yellow one kinda makes me think of Sakaki."

"no one asked u," said Chief. "nao shut the fuck up and gtfo. I dun want u over heer after how u fuking ruined mai kd the other day."

"The hell are you talking about?" asked Tomo, "I had like a 3:1 ratio when I was playing online. If anything I brought your abysmal score up from the vile thing that it once was."

"no I'm awesum at halo, shut up."

"You're an idiot that can't even figure out how the television works!" Tomo quipped.

"Well since you two are at each others' throats again I'll just try to play some Battlefield 3," the Arbiter told his fellow toys.

"Fuck that shit," said Chief, "it r teh wurst gaem ever maid. Y u wan pleh such retarded games hmm?" he sarcastically paused. "insted of doing that u shood go rub ur bfs p3nis and get him off lololololol!"

"Isn't that you?" asked Tomo.

"Oh mai god, oh mai god I'm not gay, seriously!"

"I can assure you that I'm not gay," the Arbiter told Tomo, "can't say the same for the homo that's standing next to me."

"Oh mai god oh mai god wat the fuk? Im SOOO straight that u look like a cock munching queef buerger," the Chief defiantly stated. "w8 that's wat u are. ROFLMAO!"

"I don't enjoy all this staunch homophobia," said Tomo.

"I'm afraid Chief can't be any less offensive," the Arbiter told her. "It always surprises me that he can be even more offensive than he currently is right now. Give him a few more years and he'll probably have started some blog that curses everyone that doesn't like Halo with a miserable eternity in "gamer hell", which apparently has Ocarina of Time in it. I wonder if I should just give up trying to help him change into a more likeable person or if I should just accept the futility of such an action and barricade off part of this apartment so that we don't have to put up with his shenanigans all the time."

"I think u an the lesboner should suk mai ass," said Chief. "Im not sum fuking retart that cant evin play halo. All mai ideaz iz gud an my werdz is smart cuz im the only real genius in the whole fucking world u punk ass bitches."

"What's a 'lesboner?'" Tomo asked the two of them.

"Chief has this strange idea that you're a lesbian," the Arbiter replied with some dismay.

"But I am a lesbian," Tomo told a squid faced action figure.

"Are you serious?" both the Arbiter and Master Chief asked, although one of them sounded smarter when he asked.

"Yeah," Tomo confirmed. "Didn't you guys pick up on how often I watch the intro from Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball on the 360?"

The Arbiter paused for a moment to think about what he was going to say next when Master Chief just suddenly started to be himself. "LOL wtf? Srsly. So u an ur sexpal over thur do teh nastyz all the times or wut?"

"I don't think she's a lesbian," Tomo told the two video game characters. "Secondly, she's my friend and I think we're just going to stay that way."

"lol u suk," Chief rudely spat. "U haz a sexy gurl near bi but u dun haz sex wiff her. Lol maybe then sehll go out with me."

"Why would she go out with you?" the Arbiter interjected. "Even if she isn't a lesbian I highly doubt she would take a liking to you since you've been insulting her at least three times everyday. She might even be asexual."

"a sexual wat?"

"Someone who isn't attracted to anyone," the Arbiter explained.

"Wat the fuk? That doesnts even makes any cents. Yur full of shit aren't u arbutter?" Master Chief suddenly blurted.

"No," the Arbiter replied, "it really does happen."

"Me an ur mom happened."

"Shut up, Chief," the Arbiter replied. "Why don't you just go back to arguing with Tomo or something?"

"Fuck that dickhead," said Tomo, "I can't imagine why you put up with him."

"I ask myself that same question everyday. But no matter how often I try to come up with an answer I always just want to shove him out the window," the Arbiter stated in despair. "For some reason I have an infinite pool of patience or something."

"fuk the too of u. u can go fuk each other with a hron sized dildo in the shower while playing Mario kart and gayass kidde games." The Chief then started to do a YouTube search on the computer. "imma get busy with my sexai pr0nz if u no wat I mean."

"Jesus," said the Arbiter. "Why do you always start watching porn as soon as you get near a computer?"

"I also watchz cool videos and stuff. I dun play gaems on here though cuz pc gaems is fur fat nekbeereds. It's not quite as gay as plehing with sweaty, harry guys on a cramped couch but its pretty close. ROFLMAO!"

The Arbiter merely shook his head in reply. "I don't know what equates to a thought process for you but it certainly needs work."

"This idiot can't even spell the word 'girls' right," said Tomo. "I mean he put a 'u' in it!"

"If mai ideas r gud I dun need have teh grammars and stuffs perfectly right," Chief said in his defense.

"Do you even have ideas?" Tomo asked indignantly.

"fuk u. Go fuck a duck."

"You're a douchebag," the Wildcat responded.

"nO u."

"Aren't you still a virgin anyways?" she asked.

"fuk no I have been to all the placez that mai dick can go in," Master Chief angrily claimed.

"So just your boyfriend's ass or his mouth too?"

The Arbiter decided to go over to the Xbox and improve his Battlefield 3 gameplay while Tomo and Master Chief continued to scream at each other. "I think there might be some kind of benefit to living with those two," Arbiter decided. "If they're both busy battling each other then I get a chance to have more fun. I hate being so happy at other people's misery, but on the other hand it's kind of entertaining."


End file.
